‘Nauts!

Springtime is here, the trees are budding, and all manner of creatures are emerging from their winter hideaways and beginning to meet and greet each other. Memorial Day is just around the corner and you’ll be going home to Michigan, or Iowa, or Alabama, or whatever it is that you left behind for NYC.

Standing by the grill, inevitably Trump-voting cousin Dave is going to ask: “So, what have you been up to in New York?” And what will you answer? That you got promoted to Assistant Assistant? That you made it because you have a dishwasher and only one roommate? That you got a seat on the L train the other day? That you ate a Cronut? Nah. None of those things are going to impress uncle Joe.

You need something bigger. Something that it’s going to stun uncle Joe into stumped silence; something that’ll leave even a crowd of 7-year-olds on a sugar high mute and slack-jawed. You need a stunner so gigantic that it will slow Time and Space, and Gastronauts is going to help you out: “

Not much, but I ate a roasted Guinea Pig the other day.”

Boom. Shock and Awe. Mike-drop. They don’t need to know that it was absolutely delicious, that you drank Pisco Sours and Peruvian beer with your new friends late into the night, ate marinated beef heart skewers and octopus, and learned the Spanish word for ‘hangover.’ Just let them think what they think, and enjoy the awed silence. You’re welcome.