Can we just just talk about how awesome the Scottish are?

 

First off, their ferocious Pict ancestors (yes, 10% of Scots carrry the R1b-S530 marker) made life such hell for the Romans, the Emperor Hadrian had to build a wall to keep them at bay. A wall. Since then, they’ve given us kilts, bagpipes, passing-the-ball-style soccer, Sean Connery, the pedal bicycle, the steam engine, and food that comes with its own song.

 

They’re also great poets. First, they are the world’s absolute greatest cursers: while the Eskimo are said to have 50 words for snow, the Scots have a million ways of telling you to F the F Off. But when something is good, they also know how to praise it. And few things are better than Haggis, the food that has its own song and poem. So, join us in singing Address to a Haggis, by Robbie Burns, that great Scottish poet. Let’s praise the Haggis:

 

Adress To a Haggis

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!

Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace

As lang’s my arm.

 

The groaning trencher there ye fill,

Your hurdies like a distant hill,

Your pin wad help to mend a mill

In time o’ need,

While thro’ your pores the dews distil

Like amber bead.

 

His knife see rustic Labour dight,

An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight,

Trenching your gushing entrails bright,

Like ony ditch;

And then, O what a glorious sight,

Warm-reekin, rich!

 

Then, horn for horn,

they stretch an’ strive:

Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,

Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve,

Are bent lyke drums;

Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,

“Bethankit!” ‘hums.

 

Is there that owre his French ragout

Or olio that wad staw a sow,

Or fricassee wad mak her spew

Wi’ perfect sconner,

Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view

On sic a dinner?

 

Poor devil! see him ower his trash,

As feckless as a wither’d rash,

His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,

His nieve a nit;

Thro’ bloody flood or field to dash,

O how unfit!

 

But mark the Rustic, haggis fed,

The trembling earth resounds his tread.

Clap in his walie nieve a blade,

He’ll mak it whissle;

An’ legs an’ arms, an’ heads will sned,

Like taps o’ thrissle.

 

Ye Pow’rs wha mak mankind your care,

And dish them out their bill o’ fare,

Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware

That jaups in luggies;

But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer,

Gie her a haggis!